How I Escaped Burnout to Do My Heart's Work

When I was in my thirties, in the quiet moments, I used to get these feelings come over me, these insights I guess you could call them, that there was a part of me that I hadn’t tapped into yet, a part of me that wanted to do more, play bigger. It was like a knowing, but the messages seemed so far away, like whispers on the wind. I would acknowledge these moments fleetingly, then let them slip away. After all, LIFE was happening and I had to get on with it. You know how it is? High achievers put your hands up please? I was working full time in my profession as a Medical Laboratory Technologist and wanted to move into leadership so I was doing a degree part time. I then met the love of my life which led to working full time, studying, falling in love and... whoa, now I’m planning a wedding. Shortly after marriage came daughter number one, then returned to work with a one year old and a new leadership role. After daughter number two, my plate was really full. I was back at it - mommin’ and workin’ - the full load. My existence was, meeting the demands of my family, then meeting the demands at work where I felt like I was constantly putting out fires, and managing to-do list pages long (literally) and rarely meeting my own needs. Sound familiar ladies? I came to the sad realization with my job that I’ll never be caught up and this started to weigh on me. What enters next in my career was a major disappointment - the tipping point - and it came when it was decided I was not the successful candidate for a position I had studied 10 years for, that instead went to an outside applicant far more qualified than me. I was crushed. It stung and so did the realization that no matter what I gave to my organization, I could expect nothing in return. It seemed like an awfully unfair predicament. I no longer believed I was where I was meant to be. At age 42, I stopped to survey everything. I acknowledged whole-heartedly that I felt completely unfulfilled in my career. As much as I was grateful for my career, and I really was, I just couldn’t deny the realization that I was never going to get from my job what I truly wanted. I had to draw a line in the sand, it was me or the job - I chose me.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever faced in my life; coming face-to-face with the overwhelm and disappointment I felt in my career. I felt so totally alone with it all too. I felt stuck. I would say to myself, “I love my profession, I’m good at it and it’s important work that serves my community, but, I’m not happy”. For years I continued this way, trying to find ways to be more efficient, more productive, to do more and more and more. The cognitive and life force drain was tremendous. It was relentless too. As a coping strategy, I started trying to change me, to try and become more productive and to try to stop caring so much about all of the 'incompletes'. Yes, thank you Brian Tracy BTW - you DID do a lot for me honey, but you gotta understand, I was drinkin’ from a fire hose! So, I was open to the fact that maybe I was at least part of the problem - and to some degree I was because I’m a perfectionist with really high standards (I’m doing lots of work on this) - but when I took this approach it left me feeling bad about myself all of the time because I wasn’t getting it all done. While I totally recommend reading books for inspiration, and personal growth, in this case, I came to understand that I was not the problem.

It was incredible to me that what I thought I wanted, that I worked bloody hard for, a lucrative career that I was very good at, was turning out to be the thing I was willing to walk away from after giving so much to it. How could I walk away from a job that I was 2 years shy of a 20 year milestone and 6 weeks of vacation??? Six weeks!! And my pension!!!?? It was really something actually, to witness this, to watch these things that used to matter so much to me, start to lose their lustre. The decision to make a major change just started to make sense, it started to take root. The light began to shine brighter on the parts of me that knew I wanted something more meaningful in my life. I suddenly got so clear. It was much like standing in open plains with very little sound other than a gentle breeze blowing, and the rustling of the long grass, and a feeling of being totally at peace and at one with the Universe. I realized that all the things that I was “suffering” from in my career, that I was complaining about, and all the blaming I was doing, was irrelevant. What was relevant was that I chose to be there every day. I chose it! I could finally see the writing on the wall. I had a choice. I gave myself the permission to acknowledge this raw truth and just digest it. I gave myself permission to open myself up to something better, to make space for it and NOW. This all happened right at the time in my career, I should add, where, if I just overcame myself a little, I could surely have kept climbing into higher roles. But what shape would I be in??? At what cost???? I decided to side with ME, not my overachiever, and say, “You know what, NO. There is something else better suited for me". I felt intuitively that I needed to connect with, guide, support and teach others; to help them find their way. To do this, I needed to change course. I decided then and there, to LISTEN to these important insights and knew, if I didn't, I was headed for serious trouble - BURNOUT.

Burnout: A state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion caused by excessive and prolonged stress. It occurs when you feel overwhelmed, emotionally drained, and unable to meet constant demands.

So, I employed the almighty power of choice. I chose to listen to my inner guide. I chose to listen to my body and I chose to take command of my ship. The next decision was critical, to protect myself. Meaning, I knew I needed to start to protect my energy because I had something BIG to manifest. It meant I needed to work on my mindset to manage the fear that came up. This new kind of work was going to need a lot of me. It needed me to be present and available so I started to carve out time for more self-reflection and planning. I needed to start to care for this part of me that was showing up. I was going ALL IN. I developed a strong realization that if I put even half the dedication and effort into my own business that I was giving to my current employer then I could succeed at being self-employed. I decided it was possible for me to experience rewarding work. I decided that I deserved to FEEL GOOD about what I did, not depleted. I wanted balance. I wanted to come home from work at the end of the day and have the resilience, patience and tolerance necessary to be the kind of Mom I wanted to be; the kind of Mom my daughters needed me to be. I decided, I wanted to exercise in the middle of the day, pick my girls up from school when the bell rang, sneak away with one of them from time-to-time for ‘special time together’, do yoga whenever the hell I wanted, drink smoothies for lunch, drink water while I work (I know, small thing, but you can’t do this in a lab!), go for a run whenever I wanted to, visit a friend or a family member. I decided I wanted to go to the doctor, the dentist, whatever, whenever because I needed to, because it mattered, because I was taking care of me. I wanted to read more, love more, give more, create more, dream more, be still more…. I wanted more me….. AND I would do ALL of these things around a flexible work schedule helping others achieve greatness in their lives ~ dammit! A coach, a mentor, a speaker - I would figure it out - but it would be serving others and I would do it well. So the choice was made. It was made with so much resolution that there was just no question at all.

When I finally spoke to my husband about it, it was like, “This train has left the station!”. What does one do when your spouse comes to you one day during Covid, when your career is in investment management and says, “Hon, I have decided I want to quit my (full time/secure) job so I can manifest an entirely different career by starting my own business. But don’t worry, this is coming from a deep place within me full of meaning and service and it's going to be OK”...Hubby please understand. Fortunately, my husband did not look at me like I was a freak - which I was half-expecting in all honesty. We had many hard conversations, and it was a process, but eventually, we got to a good place. I had his full support. In fact, he’s a brilliant man with tons of knowledge and he helps me all the time with my business without even trying! In the years to come he will learn the true magnitude of this gift he has given me. I feel like, in some ways, he has saved my life. Not me (even though, hello, I drove that damn train out of the station!), HIM, because he could have turned our lives upside down by saying NO to my dreams. He has loved and supported me all the way through it.

From making the strong decision within myself, to talking with my husband and really opening up about my journey to that decision with him, to talking to my Boss and ultimately stepping down - it is an understatement to say it was A TOUGH TIME for me. Fortunately though, even though I felt like I was crumbling to pieces at times, I knew I had to crumble, that I was right where I needed to be. I also knew that I was going to fight for me - stay in the arena. I knew I had hard work to do but that I was willing to do the work. I had done many tough things before, I knew I could do hard things. I found comfort in the words of Sufi mystic and poet, Rumi:

“Very little grows on jagged rock. Be grounded. Be crumbled so wild flowers will come up where you are.” ~ Rumi

In the months that followed, with this monumental decision came a lot of overwhelm and anxiety - so much to learn - so much to do - completely unfamiliar territory. But I have learned to lean in to discomfort, and I pull inspiration from those who have gone before me, and from the many teachers and influences in my life. I had to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. I was no longer the expert, like I was in my lab medicine career. I was now the student ~ becoming the teacher. What kept me strong and on course during this transition, like a lovey to a toddler, was this voice inside of me that said with tenderness and conviction, “someone needs my help”. I decided that no matter what, I was going to be there for that person.